Foundation Building Blocks of Functional Relationships
Strong foundation - strong relationship
The 10 Relationship Foundation Blocks:
1. Emotional Connection: all relationships are characterized by feelings or the emotional connections that exist between or among relationship members. Love is one such feeling. Feelings and the emotional connection frequently alter or influence perceptions and behaviors.
2. Trust: is a fundamental building block of all functional relationships. Trust is related to many other components of functional relationships including fidelity, dependability, honesty, etc.
3. Honesty: functional relationships are characterized by a high degree of caring honesty. There is a place for "not hurting others feelings”. However, misrepresentation to avoid short-term conflict often results in the establishment of dysfunctional patterns such as long-term resentment, invalidation, etc.
4. Assumption of honesty: with trust, we can assume honesty in others. A relationship in which honesty cannot be assumed is plagued with distrust and prone to suspicion. Such relationships are characterized by persons trying to mind read and second guess the “real” meaning of various interactions.
5. Respect: respect is demonstrated in all areas of functional relationships – verbal communication, non-verbal behaviors, openness for discussion, conflict resolution, etc. Without respect, relationships cannot remain functional because problem-resolution communication is not possible.
6. Tolerance: the acceptance of personal differences and individual preferences are vital to keeping relationships working well. Patience is an important component of tolerance. Avoid becoming irritated by innocuous idiosyncrasies. Tolerance and patience make relationships more pleasant and less stressful.
7. Responsiveness: your responsiveness to others helps to validate their importance to you and reflects your sense of meaningfulness of the relationship. This is especially important in hierarchical relationships.
8. Flexibility: personal rigidity frequently strains relationships and limits potential functional boundaries. Highly functional relationships are characterized by reasonable flexibility so that when stressed, they bend without breaking. Many things are not as serious as they first seem. Develop and maintain a sense of humor.
9. Communication: make it safe for communication. Safe communication means that others can come to you with any issue and expect to be heard. Listen in a calm, attentive manner. Allow the person to express thoughts and feelings without interruption. Communication factors: content-message-delivery (Content - the words you choose in the attempt to send your message, Message - the meaning of what you are trying to communicate, Delivery - how you say what you are saying. Delivery includes nonverbal behavior and defines the content message). Remember: Protect less – communicate more. Confrontation guidelines: a caring manner, appropriate timing and setting, present your thoughts tentatively, move from facts to opinion.
10. Commitment: long-term functional relationships are characterized by willingness to work on problems, acceptance of personal responsibility, attempts to see things from other perspectives, conflict resolution, and the ability of members to move beyond common transgressions. Life is complex. People are not perfect. You must decide what is forgivable. If forgivable, put it in the past and move on. Psychological history and chronological history.
Remember: All of us have special status people. Spouses, significant others, etc. are special status people. It is ok to do some things differently for those with special status. For instance, comply with their wishes at times even though it’s not your preference. They will return this courtesy, resulting in an improved relationship. Do you really need to assert dominance in every circumstance? Do you need to win every argument? Can you see things from viewpoints other than your own? These are important issues in functional relationships and Life by Default -Life by Design.
When talking or otherwise interacting with special status people (especially your spouse), do not forget with whom you are interacting. Remaining mindful that you are talking to or interacting with a special person in your life will help you to moderate your behavior and maintain a MOB (Mindful of Blocks) mentality. This will help you to remain calm, respectful, and measured in potentially emotionally charged interactions. As a result, you will avoid behavior that you may later regret. For example, have you ever found yourself apologizing following a conversation with someone you care about by saying something like “I'm sorry, I shouldn’t have spoken to you that way”? If so, you did not maintain a MOB mentality during the conversation.
It is a sad fact that some police officers talk and interact more politely and less contentiously with co-workers, strangers, and even suspects than they do with their spouse, family members, and other loved ones.
Foundation Reinforcers: (1) the assumption of good faith in your partner and (2) the lack of intentional harm.
Issues in Interpersonal Relationships and Family Systems
• Rules
• Myths
• Generational boundaries
• Alliances and coalitions
• Function and dysfunction
• Homeostasis
• Underflow
In combination with Some Things to Remember the Foundation Building Blocks of Functional Relationships provide an excellent framework for those wishing to improve their marriage and other personal relationships.
1. Emotional Connection: all relationships are characterized by feelings or the emotional connections that exist between or among relationship members. Love is one such feeling. Feelings and the emotional connection frequently alter or influence perceptions and behaviors.
2. Trust: is a fundamental building block of all functional relationships. Trust is related to many other components of functional relationships including fidelity, dependability, honesty, etc.
3. Honesty: functional relationships are characterized by a high degree of caring honesty. There is a place for "not hurting others feelings”. However, misrepresentation to avoid short-term conflict often results in the establishment of dysfunctional patterns such as long-term resentment, invalidation, etc.
4. Assumption of honesty: with trust, we can assume honesty in others. A relationship in which honesty cannot be assumed is plagued with distrust and prone to suspicion. Such relationships are characterized by persons trying to mind read and second guess the “real” meaning of various interactions.
5. Respect: respect is demonstrated in all areas of functional relationships – verbal communication, non-verbal behaviors, openness for discussion, conflict resolution, etc. Without respect, relationships cannot remain functional because problem-resolution communication is not possible.
6. Tolerance: the acceptance of personal differences and individual preferences are vital to keeping relationships working well. Patience is an important component of tolerance. Avoid becoming irritated by innocuous idiosyncrasies. Tolerance and patience make relationships more pleasant and less stressful.
7. Responsiveness: your responsiveness to others helps to validate their importance to you and reflects your sense of meaningfulness of the relationship. This is especially important in hierarchical relationships.
8. Flexibility: personal rigidity frequently strains relationships and limits potential functional boundaries. Highly functional relationships are characterized by reasonable flexibility so that when stressed, they bend without breaking. Many things are not as serious as they first seem. Develop and maintain a sense of humor.
9. Communication: make it safe for communication. Safe communication means that others can come to you with any issue and expect to be heard. Listen in a calm, attentive manner. Allow the person to express thoughts and feelings without interruption. Communication factors: content-message-delivery (Content - the words you choose in the attempt to send your message, Message - the meaning of what you are trying to communicate, Delivery - how you say what you are saying. Delivery includes nonverbal behavior and defines the content message). Remember: Protect less – communicate more. Confrontation guidelines: a caring manner, appropriate timing and setting, present your thoughts tentatively, move from facts to opinion.
10. Commitment: long-term functional relationships are characterized by willingness to work on problems, acceptance of personal responsibility, attempts to see things from other perspectives, conflict resolution, and the ability of members to move beyond common transgressions. Life is complex. People are not perfect. You must decide what is forgivable. If forgivable, put it in the past and move on. Psychological history and chronological history.
Remember: All of us have special status people. Spouses, significant others, etc. are special status people. It is ok to do some things differently for those with special status. For instance, comply with their wishes at times even though it’s not your preference. They will return this courtesy, resulting in an improved relationship. Do you really need to assert dominance in every circumstance? Do you need to win every argument? Can you see things from viewpoints other than your own? These are important issues in functional relationships and Life by Default -Life by Design.
When talking or otherwise interacting with special status people (especially your spouse), do not forget with whom you are interacting. Remaining mindful that you are talking to or interacting with a special person in your life will help you to moderate your behavior and maintain a MOB (Mindful of Blocks) mentality. This will help you to remain calm, respectful, and measured in potentially emotionally charged interactions. As a result, you will avoid behavior that you may later regret. For example, have you ever found yourself apologizing following a conversation with someone you care about by saying something like “I'm sorry, I shouldn’t have spoken to you that way”? If so, you did not maintain a MOB mentality during the conversation.
It is a sad fact that some police officers talk and interact more politely and less contentiously with co-workers, strangers, and even suspects than they do with their spouse, family members, and other loved ones.
Foundation Reinforcers: (1) the assumption of good faith in your partner and (2) the lack of intentional harm.
Issues in Interpersonal Relationships and Family Systems
• Rules
• Myths
• Generational boundaries
• Alliances and coalitions
• Function and dysfunction
• Homeostasis
• Underflow
In combination with Some Things to Remember the Foundation Building Blocks of Functional Relationships provide an excellent framework for those wishing to improve their marriage and other personal relationships.
The Concept of Stress
General Adaptation Syndrome
Stress is a multifaceted and complex phenomenon. It appears to be a factor for all living organisms. The concept of stress has its origin in ancient writings and has developed significantly over the past several decades.
Stress: Hans Selye (1907-1982), an endocrinologist and researcher, defined stress as “the nonspecific response of the body to any demand, whether it is caused by, or results in, pleasant or unpleasant conditions.” A more contemporary and alternative view of stress maintains that the idea of stress "should be restricted to conditions where an environmental demand exceeds the natural regulatory capacity of an organism" (Koolhass, J., et al. 2011). Simply restated, in Selye’s view the intensity of the stress response is positively correlated with the combined intensity of all current demands. Therefore, as the totality of demands increase, the magnitude of the stress response increases. In the latter view, stress is hypothesized to occur only when the demands exceed those of everyday living. Included in these demands are the biological processes necessary to sustain life.
The concept of stress differs from that of stressor and challenge. Stressor is the term used for the demands that cause stress. Therefore, stressors cause stress. Challenges are a particular type of stressor. Stressors that are perceived as challenges do not appear to produce the negative effects associated with stress. Instead, challenges are frequently experienced as re-energizing and motivating. Whether a stressor is perceived as a challenge or a difficulty is influenced by many factors. Among these are: type and intensity of the stressor, stressor appraisal, perceived capability to cope with the stressor, available support and resources, individual personality characteristics, and likely assessed outcomes. This is why a stressor that represents a challenge for one person may cause significant stress in another.
Stressor: a demand that initiates the stress response. Stressors can be psychological or physical, low to high intensity, short to long duration, vary in frequency, and originate in the environment or internally.
Fight or flight: a phrase coined by Walter B. Cannon (1871-1945) to emphasize the preparation-for-action and survival value of the physiological changes that
occur upon being confronted with a stressor. The fight or flight response later became associated with the Alarm phase of the General Adaptation Syndrome.
General Adaptation Syndrome (GAS): (Selye, H.) the GAS is comprised of three stages: alarm, resistance, and exhaustion. Alarm is the body's initial response to a perceived threat and the first stage of general adaptation syndrome. During this stage, the body begins the production and release of several hormones that affect the functioning of the body and brain. During the resistance stage of GAS, the internal stress response continues but external symptoms of arousal disappear as the individual attempts to cope with stressful conditions. In the final stage of the GAS, exhaustion, the prolonged activation of the stress response depletes the body's resources, resulting in permanent physical damage or death (http://www.ehow.com).
Homeostasis: “steady state” – an organism’s coping efforts to maintain physiological, emotional, and psychological balance.
Overload stress: stress which is the result of a high intensity stressor, too many lesser intensity stressors, or a combination of both that exceeds normal coping abilities.
Deprivational stress: stress experienced due to lack of stimulation, activity, and/or interaction. An example of an environment likely to produce deprivational stress is solitary confinement. Deprivational stress is also the principle underlying the child discipline intervention know as time out.
Occupational stress: stress caused by job demands. Each occupation is comprised of a cluster of unavoidable stressors. These are demands that are inherently part of the job. For police officers, interacting with uncooperative persons is an unavoidable stressor. If not managed appropriately, occupational stressors can result in detrimental physical, emotional, and psychological responses. Avoidable occupational stressors may also become problematic when present in sufficient quantity and intensity. An example of an avoidable occupational stressor is a poorly designed department policy that fails to adequately address the issue for which it was written. A poorly written policy is an avoidable stressor because it could be re-written in a way that better addresses the reason for its existence.
Stress Management – Insights into the transactional nature of stress
Epictetus: (A.D. 55 –135) (1) “Men are disturbed not by things, but by the view which they take of them.” (2) “It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.” Epictetus was one of the first early writers to recognize the intimate and inextricable relationship that exists between individuals and their environment.
Hans Selye: (1) “Man should not try to avoid stress any more than he would shun food, love or exercise” (2) “It’s not stress that kills us, it is our reaction to it." (3) "Mental tensions, frustrations, insecurity, aimlessness are among the most damaging stressors, and psychosomatic studies have shown how often they cause migraine headache, peptic ulcers, heart attacks, hypertension, mental disease, suicide, or just hopeless unhappiness." (4) “Adopting the right attitude can convert a negative stress into a positive one.” Selye is recognized by many researchers as the first person to specify the processes of biological stress. He is sometimes referred to as “father of stress research.”
R.S. Lazarus: (1922-2002) (1) “Stress is not a property of the person, or of the environment, but arises when there is conjunction between a particular kind of environment and a particular kind of person that leads to a threat appraisal.” Lazarus maintained that the experience of stress has less to do with a person's actual situation than with how the person perceived the strength of his own resources: the person’s cognitive appraisal and personal assessment of coping abilities.
Stress: Hans Selye (1907-1982), an endocrinologist and researcher, defined stress as “the nonspecific response of the body to any demand, whether it is caused by, or results in, pleasant or unpleasant conditions.” A more contemporary and alternative view of stress maintains that the idea of stress "should be restricted to conditions where an environmental demand exceeds the natural regulatory capacity of an organism" (Koolhass, J., et al. 2011). Simply restated, in Selye’s view the intensity of the stress response is positively correlated with the combined intensity of all current demands. Therefore, as the totality of demands increase, the magnitude of the stress response increases. In the latter view, stress is hypothesized to occur only when the demands exceed those of everyday living. Included in these demands are the biological processes necessary to sustain life.
The concept of stress differs from that of stressor and challenge. Stressor is the term used for the demands that cause stress. Therefore, stressors cause stress. Challenges are a particular type of stressor. Stressors that are perceived as challenges do not appear to produce the negative effects associated with stress. Instead, challenges are frequently experienced as re-energizing and motivating. Whether a stressor is perceived as a challenge or a difficulty is influenced by many factors. Among these are: type and intensity of the stressor, stressor appraisal, perceived capability to cope with the stressor, available support and resources, individual personality characteristics, and likely assessed outcomes. This is why a stressor that represents a challenge for one person may cause significant stress in another.
Stressor: a demand that initiates the stress response. Stressors can be psychological or physical, low to high intensity, short to long duration, vary in frequency, and originate in the environment or internally.
Fight or flight: a phrase coined by Walter B. Cannon (1871-1945) to emphasize the preparation-for-action and survival value of the physiological changes that
occur upon being confronted with a stressor. The fight or flight response later became associated with the Alarm phase of the General Adaptation Syndrome.
General Adaptation Syndrome (GAS): (Selye, H.) the GAS is comprised of three stages: alarm, resistance, and exhaustion. Alarm is the body's initial response to a perceived threat and the first stage of general adaptation syndrome. During this stage, the body begins the production and release of several hormones that affect the functioning of the body and brain. During the resistance stage of GAS, the internal stress response continues but external symptoms of arousal disappear as the individual attempts to cope with stressful conditions. In the final stage of the GAS, exhaustion, the prolonged activation of the stress response depletes the body's resources, resulting in permanent physical damage or death (http://www.ehow.com).
Homeostasis: “steady state” – an organism’s coping efforts to maintain physiological, emotional, and psychological balance.
Overload stress: stress which is the result of a high intensity stressor, too many lesser intensity stressors, or a combination of both that exceeds normal coping abilities.
Deprivational stress: stress experienced due to lack of stimulation, activity, and/or interaction. An example of an environment likely to produce deprivational stress is solitary confinement. Deprivational stress is also the principle underlying the child discipline intervention know as time out.
Occupational stress: stress caused by job demands. Each occupation is comprised of a cluster of unavoidable stressors. These are demands that are inherently part of the job. For police officers, interacting with uncooperative persons is an unavoidable stressor. If not managed appropriately, occupational stressors can result in detrimental physical, emotional, and psychological responses. Avoidable occupational stressors may also become problematic when present in sufficient quantity and intensity. An example of an avoidable occupational stressor is a poorly designed department policy that fails to adequately address the issue for which it was written. A poorly written policy is an avoidable stressor because it could be re-written in a way that better addresses the reason for its existence.
Stress Management – Insights into the transactional nature of stress
Epictetus: (A.D. 55 –135) (1) “Men are disturbed not by things, but by the view which they take of them.” (2) “It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.” Epictetus was one of the first early writers to recognize the intimate and inextricable relationship that exists between individuals and their environment.
Hans Selye: (1) “Man should not try to avoid stress any more than he would shun food, love or exercise” (2) “It’s not stress that kills us, it is our reaction to it." (3) "Mental tensions, frustrations, insecurity, aimlessness are among the most damaging stressors, and psychosomatic studies have shown how often they cause migraine headache, peptic ulcers, heart attacks, hypertension, mental disease, suicide, or just hopeless unhappiness." (4) “Adopting the right attitude can convert a negative stress into a positive one.” Selye is recognized by many researchers as the first person to specify the processes of biological stress. He is sometimes referred to as “father of stress research.”
R.S. Lazarus: (1922-2002) (1) “Stress is not a property of the person, or of the environment, but arises when there is conjunction between a particular kind of environment and a particular kind of person that leads to a threat appraisal.” Lazarus maintained that the experience of stress has less to do with a person's actual situation than with how the person perceived the strength of his own resources: the person’s cognitive appraisal and personal assessment of coping abilities.
Signs of Excessive Stress
Signs of Excessive Stress
Excessive stress can manifest itself in a myriad of ways. Some of the most common ways in which excessive stress can affect us includes: impaired judgment and mental confusion, uncharacteristic indecisiveness, aggression – temper tantrums and “short fuse", continually argumentative, increased irritability and anxiety, increased apathy or denial of problems, loss of interest in family, friends, and activities, increased feelings of insecurity with lowered self esteem, and feelings of inadequacy.
Warning Signs
1. Sudden changes in behavior, usually uncharacteristic of the person
2. Gradual change in behavior indicative of gradual deterioration
3. Erratic work habits and poor work attitude
4. Increased sick time due to minor problems and frequent colds
5. Inability to concentrate, impaired memory, or impaired reading comprehension
6. Excessive worrying and feelings of inadequacy
7. Excessive use of tobacco, alcohol, or drugs
8. Peers, family, & others begin to avoid the person because of attitude/behavior
9. Excessive complaints (negative citizen contact or family member complaints)
10. Not responsive to corrective or supportive feedback
11. Excessive accidents or injuries due to carelessness or preoccupation
12. Energy extremes: no energy or hyperactivity
13. Sexual promiscuity or sexual disinterest
14. Grandiose or paranoid behavior
15. Increased use of sick leave for “mental health days”
16. Little concern for the consequences of behavior at home and work
Excessive stress can be expressed in physical or psychological symptoms, including:
Muscle tightness/migraine or tension headache
Clenching jaws/grinding teeth or related dental problems
Chronic fatigue/feeling down or experiencing depression
Rapid heartbeat/hypertension
Indigestion/nausea/ulcers/constipation or diarrhea
Unintended weight loss or gain - changes in appetite
Cold and sweaty palms which is not normal for the person
Nervousness and increased feelings of being jittery
Insomnia or sleeping excessively – strange dreams or nightmares
In extreme cases – psychotic reactions/mental disorder
Examples –
1. From cheerful and optimistic to gloomy and pessimistic.
2. Gradually becoming slow and lethargic, increasing depression.
3. Coming to work late, leaving early, sick time abuse.
4. Rambling conversation, difficulty in sticking to a specific subject.
5. Lack of participation in normally enjoyed activities.
Excessive stress can manifest itself in a myriad of ways. Some of the most common ways in which excessive stress can affect us includes: impaired judgment and mental confusion, uncharacteristic indecisiveness, aggression – temper tantrums and “short fuse", continually argumentative, increased irritability and anxiety, increased apathy or denial of problems, loss of interest in family, friends, and activities, increased feelings of insecurity with lowered self esteem, and feelings of inadequacy.
Warning Signs
1. Sudden changes in behavior, usually uncharacteristic of the person
2. Gradual change in behavior indicative of gradual deterioration
3. Erratic work habits and poor work attitude
4. Increased sick time due to minor problems and frequent colds
5. Inability to concentrate, impaired memory, or impaired reading comprehension
6. Excessive worrying and feelings of inadequacy
7. Excessive use of tobacco, alcohol, or drugs
8. Peers, family, & others begin to avoid the person because of attitude/behavior
9. Excessive complaints (negative citizen contact or family member complaints)
10. Not responsive to corrective or supportive feedback
11. Excessive accidents or injuries due to carelessness or preoccupation
12. Energy extremes: no energy or hyperactivity
13. Sexual promiscuity or sexual disinterest
14. Grandiose or paranoid behavior
15. Increased use of sick leave for “mental health days”
16. Little concern for the consequences of behavior at home and work
Excessive stress can be expressed in physical or psychological symptoms, including:
Muscle tightness/migraine or tension headache
Clenching jaws/grinding teeth or related dental problems
Chronic fatigue/feeling down or experiencing depression
Rapid heartbeat/hypertension
Indigestion/nausea/ulcers/constipation or diarrhea
Unintended weight loss or gain - changes in appetite
Cold and sweaty palms which is not normal for the person
Nervousness and increased feelings of being jittery
Insomnia or sleeping excessively – strange dreams or nightmares
In extreme cases – psychotic reactions/mental disorder
Examples –
1. From cheerful and optimistic to gloomy and pessimistic.
2. Gradually becoming slow and lethargic, increasing depression.
3. Coming to work late, leaving early, sick time abuse.
4. Rambling conversation, difficulty in sticking to a specific subject.
5. Lack of participation in normally enjoyed activities.
Some Things to Remember
Life management
When confronting change and managing stress there are some things that you can do that can help. Most of the following suggestions are self explanatory, some are not. This is because some of them are specialized and are most often used within the context of a specific counseling program.
Some Things to Remember
- Watch how you talk to yourself (relationship with self)
- Relaxation breathing-breath through stress-inhale nose/exhale mouth
- Maintain a high level of self-care, make time for you
- Keep yourself physically active, not too much too soon
- Utilize positive and appropriate coping statements
- Enhance your internal (self) awareness and external awareness
- Remember the limits of your personal boundary
- Practice stimulus control and response disruption
- Monitor deprivational stress and overload stress
- Use “pocket responses” when needed/consider oblique follow-up
- Apply thought stopping/blocking to negative thoughts
- Identify and confront internal and external false messages
- Confront negative thinking with positive counter-thoughts
- Break stressors into manageable units; deal with one at a time
- Relax, then engage in a graded confrontation of what you fear
- A managed experience will lessen the intensity of what you fear
- Only experience changes experience, look for the positive
- Reclaim your marriage; reclaim your career; reclaim your life
- Stressor strategies: confrontation, withdrawal, compromise (combination)
- Match coping strategy with stressor – the strategy must address the stressor
- Remember: transactions and choice points = different outcomes
- Work: do not forget why you do what you do (Occupational Imperative)
- Utilize your physical and psychological buffers
- Healing involves changes in intensity, frequency, and duration
- Use your shield when appropriate (psychological shield against negativity)
- Things do not have to be perfect to be ok
- Create positive micro-environments within stressful macro-environments
- Think of strong emotion as an ocean wave- let it in, let it fade
- Trigger anxiety— I know what this is; I know what to do about it
- Goal to become stronger and smarter (with the above = the 2 and 2)
- Walk off and talk out your anxiety, fears, and problems (walk and talk)
- Being vulnerable does not equal being helpless
- Enhance resiliency – develop and focus your innate coping abilities
- Develop and practice relapse prevention strategies
- Develop and utilize a sense of humor, learn how to smile
- Time perspective: past, present, future (positive – negative)
- Things are never so bad that they can’t get worse*
- Do not forget that life often involves selecting from imperfect options
- Access your power: the power of confidence, coping, and management
- Stay grounded in what you know to be true
- Keep things in perspective: keep little things little, manage the big things
* The notion that “things are never so bad that they can’t get worse” is intended as an aid to help keep things in perspective. It is not intended to minimize the difficulty of any stressful circumstance. At its best, this idea encourages toleration, increases motivation for change, and enhances positive life management. Understanding that “things could be worse” may or may not mitigate the experienced intensity of current stressors.
Some Things to Remember
- Watch how you talk to yourself (relationship with self)
- Relaxation breathing-breath through stress-inhale nose/exhale mouth
- Maintain a high level of self-care, make time for you
- Keep yourself physically active, not too much too soon
- Utilize positive and appropriate coping statements
- Enhance your internal (self) awareness and external awareness
- Remember the limits of your personal boundary
- Practice stimulus control and response disruption
- Monitor deprivational stress and overload stress
- Use “pocket responses” when needed/consider oblique follow-up
- Apply thought stopping/blocking to negative thoughts
- Identify and confront internal and external false messages
- Confront negative thinking with positive counter-thoughts
- Break stressors into manageable units; deal with one at a time
- Relax, then engage in a graded confrontation of what you fear
- A managed experience will lessen the intensity of what you fear
- Only experience changes experience, look for the positive
- Reclaim your marriage; reclaim your career; reclaim your life
- Stressor strategies: confrontation, withdrawal, compromise (combination)
- Match coping strategy with stressor – the strategy must address the stressor
- Remember: transactions and choice points = different outcomes
- Work: do not forget why you do what you do (Occupational Imperative)
- Utilize your physical and psychological buffers
- Healing involves changes in intensity, frequency, and duration
- Use your shield when appropriate (psychological shield against negativity)
- Things do not have to be perfect to be ok
- Create positive micro-environments within stressful macro-environments
- Think of strong emotion as an ocean wave- let it in, let it fade
- Trigger anxiety— I know what this is; I know what to do about it
- Goal to become stronger and smarter (with the above = the 2 and 2)
- Walk off and talk out your anxiety, fears, and problems (walk and talk)
- Being vulnerable does not equal being helpless
- Enhance resiliency – develop and focus your innate coping abilities
- Develop and practice relapse prevention strategies
- Develop and utilize a sense of humor, learn how to smile
- Time perspective: past, present, future (positive – negative)
- Things are never so bad that they can’t get worse*
- Do not forget that life often involves selecting from imperfect options
- Access your power: the power of confidence, coping, and management
- Stay grounded in what you know to be true
- Keep things in perspective: keep little things little, manage the big things
* The notion that “things are never so bad that they can’t get worse” is intended as an aid to help keep things in perspective. It is not intended to minimize the difficulty of any stressful circumstance. At its best, this idea encourages toleration, increases motivation for change, and enhances positive life management. Understanding that “things could be worse” may or may not mitigate the experienced intensity of current stressors.